I figure that me driving without a license (I'll get it on Thursday) is the least of my string of uncaught violations. Yes, I run the risk of getting popped, but so does everyone else who makes a rolling stop or who drives under the influence. I don't do any of those things. Plus, I'm fully ensured, complete with a $500 deductible. And besides, if they didn't raise a stink about me buying a ticket to fly to Vegas to snort lines of coke off of the erect penis of the fireman stripper we got for Matty J's bachelor party while Grant and Dale did body shots off of an "ebony" hooker named Cookie, then what's wrong with me commuting?

Fun features of my new car include:

• side mirrors tilt down when I'm in reverse
• side mirrors that fold inward if I'm in a tight spot
• bluetooth connectivity for your phone instead of that stupid Onstar bullshit where you have to use Verizon
• in-dash DVD changer
• moisture-sensing winshield wipers
• Lexus Roadside Assistance, which is a combination AAA and travel insurance (if you're stuck in the middle of nowhere and your Lexus is being repaired, they'll give me a loaner car and pay for my hotel)
  
• puddle lights, illuminating the ground underneath the door when it's opened

I also enjoy the fact that the perforated leather is actually ventilated, kind of like an air hockey table. But the most gratuitous feature is the cabin LED light. Normally, when you open a car door, the cabin light illuminates the whole interior, and perhaps when you close the door, it stays lit for another ten seconds or so. In my new Lexus (it still weirds me out that, at 26 years old, I'm on my second one), the cabin lights do turn off when the door is closed, save for one LED light. The purpose of this light? To illuminate the chrome L on the steering wheel. It stays lit for an extra ten seconds after all other lights have shut off, before it, too, fades into the darkness.

I'm picking up my tux this afternoon. Summer wedding season is in full swing!