It's my time to make the most of it
How could I ever know that this would happen to me, not that easy, no
All along the fault is up for grabs why don't you have it
Well it's for sale go make your offer,
I'll sell it for no less than what I bought it for
Pay no more than absolutely zero.

Well neither one of us deserves the blame
Because opportunities moved us away
And it's not an easy thing to learn to play a game
That's made for two that's you and me

The rules remain a mystery. See it can be easy.

Jason Mraz, "Absolutely Zero"
---
I spent the drive home with Carroll trying to convince her, in my drunkenness, really myself, that I had succeeded in maturing in even the slightest little bit. You see, I'm no good at it; growing up was something was never taught.

I'm getting better at it, though. Practice makes perfect.

I spent yesterday (and this morning, too) taking the bus into work in the morning, and getting rides home at night. This blasted rain is really starting to crimp my style. But I'm taking advantage of it as best I can, and I'm getting back into a state of semi-voracious reading.

The shot of confidence I received from the company photo shoot (combined with the pints of self-realization from my trip to Santa Monica) has been leading me down a road of appearance overhaul. While I haven't religiously been going to the gym lately (like Missy Elliott, I can't stand the rain), it's indicative of a larger program change: new clothes, too, and the demeanor to match. All my life I've been the nice guy, and while I know I have a bit of a nasty and vindictive streak, I'm trying to hone it so that I simply have a modern edge instead.

Which will all be useless if I hole myself up in a cabin in a ranch somewhere.

I'm currently fighting between this duality within me, the need to express and communicate countered with the need for solitude and quiet. One the one hand I care very much about my appearance but on the other hand, I don't care who sees me. It's weird, but I have to say that it's a lot of fun trying to figure it all out.