At last night's AA meeting, one of the better speakers came by for his monthly tour to the work furlough facility. One of the things that AA tries to hammer home is that their method (the twelve steps) of recovering from alcoholism rarely fails, and if it does, it's because that person is incapable of living a life of rigorous honesty. Tom, the speaker, was highly successful, came from a good family, had a masters degree, and was a professional in the business world and spent his twenties drinking booze and doing lines of coke. When his habits started to become a severe problem, he tried attending the rehabitation clinics where upscale clientele try and kick the habit, but he soon realized that he was no better than any other man.

I got an email yesterday where someone was concerned about my psychological well-being, afraid that I might "go postal" one day if I continue to bottle up my emotions and hide from my feelings. Clearly this person doesn't read my blog on a daily basis! I consider my blog to be my psychiatric's couch, where I can just vent at the world. But I will admit that I only talk about what I feel will make a good entry, not necessarily what will lead to the greatest insight within myself.

So let me try this one out. My father cheated on my mother when I was in high school. My mother stayed with him, almost as a model of Asian pride, showing continued love and support, but in the back of her mind, probably uses it as a mental advantage, lording it over him like a secret asterisk. He got a separate phone line under the pretense of not having our dial-up modems (that's how long ago this was; you all know how technologically advanced my family's household is) occupy the phone. He was secretly calling her internationally, and even flew to her pretending to be on a business trip.

That a spur-of-the-moment, chemically-derived impulse of passion leads to a moment of indiscretion or even infidelity, it doesn't bother me. It happens. That a person goes to such contrived lengths to continue the affair, or that a person cannot fight the urges and temptations of such indiscretions in the future, that's what bothers me.

After he was caught, life was almost white-washed over, and I'm not even sure my father addressed my brother and I to offer regret or explanations. This is where I get a sense of negative time that persists throughout my personality: everything can start over, at any time. It's part doublethink, part reconstruction.

One time, when I was victimized by such activities, the offending party said to me, "I'm not [an evil person], but I'm human, and that's enough." I would like to offer congratulations to all you out there who maintain committed relationships: clearly powers of divinity are required, of which I possess none.