Resulting from a full day of diving...

First, I actually had a detachable penis. I tried mentioning it to Heather, at which point I figured that she would ask me how it worked physiologically, and I realized I had no answer, so I decided to just ignore it and let hydraulics work its magic.

I was at home, watching TV, bothering the cat by chasing it around, and all of a sudden I catch the last two minutes of a basketball game. Minnesota Timberwolves and Caltech. Caltech is winning 145-90. Bill Walton is a commentator and he's saying how much of a pathetic showing this was on the part of Minnesota. All of a sudden, I'm there, and the T-Wolves look curiously like the Miami Heat and Caltech looks curiously like the Dallas Mavericks. Antawn Jamison guards Rafer Alston, blocks a 3 point shot, and steals for a lead pass to a fast-breaking Nash and Nowitzki. Nash's pass is too fast and it's out of bounds. Tech calls a timeout and it's garbage time. Now all of a sudden, I'm wearing a suit, and I'm on the sideline. The lineup now contains actual Techers in the stereotypical scrawny white guy sense. Instead of a basketball, though, they're passing around shells kind of like the kinds one would see when scuba diving.

The proceed to generate many turnovers, and I'm disgusted in their poor play. At one of the timeouts, one of the Techers goes up to the sideline, where they're giving away cans of soup. And by They, I mean Minnesota Timberwolves and their coach, Pat Summitt. Random Techer proceeds to sheepishly ask for a free can of soup, and which point Pat Summitt gives him a dented can of cream of broccoli. For some reason, Assistant Coach Ron is starting to feel a little shame, as if Random Techer doesn't realize the gravity of the situation, or how huge the blowout win was, and that this Random Techer is more interested in free soup rather than not committing a turnover. I grab the Techer by the slack on the shoulder of his T-shirt and yell, "Do you know who you just beat today?!?" Letting him go, I walk back to the Caltech sideline, whereupon Caltech Head Coach Krzyzewski says to me, "Thanks a lot."